Response to a Take-Over Bid

Don't worry if you get one of those emails about the Queen threatening to revoke our independence. I'm on the ramparts protecting America!

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary)

What do you mean “recent”. Where were you during the administrations of Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, James Buchanan, Jimmy Carter, etc., etc., etc.??? You started us off with Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe but things got pretty weak after that with only occasional exceptions like Lincoln, two Roosevelts and…okay, it’s a pretty spotty record but have you reviewed your list of monarchs lately?

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

You may want to re-think that. If you leave Kansas independent it’s likely to try to take back the rest of the former USA, especially since they’ll still have their guns. Besides, it comes with Nebraska anyway.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Something else you may want to reconsider. Mediocre Governors in America led to the 232-year estrangement you’re trying to resolve.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

I’m not sure that the people who DO notice will necessarily be unhappy about this.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. You sure about this? ah-LOO-min-um is considerably easier on the working parts of the speech mechanism. The guy running the place now can’t say nuclear and that’s pretty simple.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). Restoring the letter “u” isn’t a good idea at a time when a large portion of America thinks that boys is spelled with a “z” as in “boyz in tha ‘hood.” You can spell doughnut any way you wish, but you’ll have an easier time taking away our guns than our doughnuts. Remember Charlton Heston’s line, “From my cold dead hand”? You’re better off waiting for us all to develop heart disease and diabetes from eating the doughnuts...it will also help you in dealing with Kansas.
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. Good luck with getting Microsoft on board for this, they’ve never been able to resolve the problem of properly checking for the proper usage of there, their and they’re. Call me when you get this one straightened out then we’ll talk about putting a “u” in color and changing the spelling of check to checque or whatever it is you people do.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You eliminate any Holiday from our calendar at your peril. Best leave this one alone. We don’t pay much attention to what we’re celebrating or honouring (you’ve already started, haven’t you?) but we’ll probably fight over the right to a three day weekend that usually involves a barbecue and large quantities of beer.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. Ummm, I’m not sure how much you want to push any of this. So far you’ve left Kansas (and probably Nebraska-remember they’re a set) armed and independent. Now you’re going to create an exodus of lawyers and therapists to a place with guns that has tornadoes, trailer parks and fundamentalist Christians. Man you people really don’t remember how to run an Empire do you??
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. I can see the bumper-stickers now, “When vegetable peelers are outlawed, only outlaws will have vegetable peelers!”
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. We have roundabouts in our state of Massachusetts where we call them rotaries. People there are as likely to be driving on the left as on the right. And by the way they do it with one hand on the steering wheel so the other hand is free to make obscene gestures at other drivers and pedestrians.
8. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. A country that exported Benny Hill has enough to account for as it is. You want the d-v-d set of the Blue Collar Comedy guys? I’m calling that even.
9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. You’d think with all you’ve derived from paying all that extra money on petrol you’d have figured out an alternative by now. I’m guessing you’re using part of the petroleum distillate to cook with which would explain those nasty things you call “chips’.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. Call them what you want those “chips” of yours are just plain nasty. Do you soak them in cholesterol or what? If you have to disguise the taste of something with freakin’ VVINEGAR your recipe sucks. Got it Ivor?
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Ummm, I’m not sure that we want to hold up South Africa as the ideal model for much of anything once you get beyond Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. Watching Andie MacDowell act is painful for all of us. And you don’t get to whine about Americans playing Englishmen as long as Hugh Laurie is carting all that money out of Hollywood for playing “House” on Fox-TV.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). If you do play Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. Y’all have been getting regularly thrashed since Queen Victoria died. Hell, you had to mobilize to beat Argentina fairly recently which ought to be pretty embarrassing. Oh, are we still talking about football/soccer/rugby? Sorry, I’ll wait.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. Stop baseball??? First off it IS played outside America, ask Red Sox stars Daisuke Matsuzaka and David Ortiz which state they were born in. While you’re at it, ask Jonathan Papelbon what PLANET he comes from. Okay you pinko, commit faggots that tears it. Where’s my gun, I’m headin’ to Kansas!!!
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. Not knowing has been driving us crazy. Okay, but you have to promise to keep the secret...it was Marilyn Monroe...with James Dean’s stolen Nazi Luger.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. You’ll take a checque??
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. I could probably adapt to this part.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN