As I was driving home this week, each day I passed by one of those electronic signs that the police and other traffic control agencies usually put up before construction or road repairs begin. It’s a fairly big sign so you can’t miss it but since I have the retentive capabilities of a 1970s commodore computer it took a few days before it registered with me what was going on. It was a three page message and it seemed like I always came in on the second page.

“Week of 06-02-08.”
“Oh Christ,” I thought. “Gas is nearing 4 bucks a gallon and I’m going to be stuck waiting for some flag-person (I really do think ‘person’ by the way I can be kind of P-C) to wake up long enough to wave me through but only AFTER the line of cars is longer than Lee’s train of wounded on his retreat from Gettysburg.”
There’s an alternate, actually faster, route home but it’s a toll road and paying money twice a day to get to and from work somehow seems stupid. Paying to park never seems like a good idea either. I guess I do have a bit of a libertarian in me.

“Drive Safely.” The sign read.
“Fuck you.” I said.

Then the first page rolled around.

“Sobriety checkpoint”
“What? It’s not even two in the afternoon,” I thought. Then I decided that it would be a good time. You know, catch the people who get through the first half of the day as best they can, drink their lunch and pretty much stay tanked all afternoon.
“Yeah, get those bastards.” It’s pretty easy for me to be uncompromising about this particular police initiative since I don’t drink anymore.

And then I wondered, how many people are they going to catch since they’re telling people where they’re trying to catch them? How’s that going to work?

If you think along a little bit more the answer probably is it works like a charm. I mean really. Every bank and practically every store down to the little Mom and Pop Shops now have security cameras. They’re trained on the door. And a lot of times there’s even a tape on the door jamb that marks off 4’, 5 ‘, 6’, 7’ and so on. (I’ve often wanted to stand with my back straight against the doorway to see if I’ve grown at all lately. It’s a safe bet that I haven’t for close to 40 years and I am six-two…but the impulse is there.)
But if it’s a bank or a bigger operation they’ve got cameras all over the place. So does this inhibit people’s desire to get money the old fashioned way—by stealing it? Hell, no.

We see them on the local news every night. Often in clear, sharp, digital images. (Sometimes in pathetically grainy black and white. Hey if you want a decent picture of these people clean the heads on your state-of-the-art 1979 security system there Mr. Entrepreneur!)
There they are. Wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap pulled low. (Yeah, nobody will recognize you with that disguise will they? How about a Groucho moustache then they REALLY won’t be able to figure out who you are!) And these people think they’re going to be able to get away with this. Instead more people can identify them than can name their Congressperson (P-C again!) or the Governor.
So, yeah. I bet the system works on a lot of people. But for the rest of us here’s the way the text reads in our heads.

“Sobriety checkpoint”
“Week of 06-02-08”
“Seek alternate routes”