A Few Minutes With Who?

Often the thing that sets us off is something really small, really inconsequential. By itself a lot of times it would go by almost unnoticed but when piled on top of a series of events, all of them minor, that one small thing can send us into a Howard Beal “I'm mad as Hell and I’m not going to take it any more!” moment.

Well I just had mine. Why can’t they make waste baskets the same size as the trash can liners? Or turn it around, why can’t they make trash can liners that don’t slip off the edge of the waste basket.

It’s garbage in there. I don’t want to handle the stuff anymore that’s why I threw it away. So why does the bag keep slipping off the edge and into the trash can? Yeah, I know I can get ever larger bags that hang over the outside of the bin by about 2 feet but I really don’t need a bag that’s big enough to park a Geo Metro inside.

There’s just two of us here. We recycle. We don’t generate all that much trash compared to a lot of families. We rarely fill the tall kitchen bag size we use so why do I have to keep tugging on the damn thing to get it to actually line the trash can?

Pedestrians annoy me too. Not all pedestrians, just the ones who wander into the street like preoccupied toddlers. Understand that I grew up in an area where those on foot are usually granted no quarter.

You step off the curb you’re a marked man, or woman. It’s not that drivers actually seek out pedestrians in the Boston area, we just don’t take that “pedestrians have the right of way” stuff that seriously. To us they’re more like targets of opportunity.

This keeps most of them walking at a more brisk pace which is undoubtedly better for all concerned. It’s good for their whole cardiovascular system and they’re less likely to be an impediment to vehicular traffic.

But in Concord, New Hampshire pedestrians are treated like an endangered species - which is of course what they can rapidly become in Boston. In good old Concord all you have to do is stand on the sidewalk and turn to face the street and people hit the brakes.

Which breeds a whole race of people who don’t understand the singular disadvantage you’re under when you’re a pedestrian on a roadway. The worst offenders are the ones in the area of the State House but we’ll save that particular breed of bird for another load of buckshot on another day.

Listen up people. Traffic laws are there for all of us but there needs to be a little common sense at work here. A vehicle weighing over a ton traveling at a mere 30 miles per hour can do some serious damage. I’m not saying I’d intentionally do anything that would be harmful to anyone I’m just saying that Darwin’s “natural selection” may come into play.

You need to think of the traffic code as Captain Barbossa thought of the Pirates Code, “the code is more what you'd call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.”

Russert and Carlin

Since the deaths of Tim Russert and George Carlin I’ve heard some commentators make the observation of each of these men that “(Russert) didn’t know he was Tim Russert” or “(Carlin) didn’t know he was George Carlin.” I know what they mean but I think they’re saying it backwards.

Tim Russert knew exactly who Tim Russert was and George Carlin knew exactly who George Carlin was and that was why each of them was so unaffected.

When I was going to school in Washington, D.C. I had a friend named Tom McCracken. Tom had an annoyingly down to earth approach to a lot of things. While my other buddies and I would be raving over some particularly impressive bit of Nation’s Capital talent Tom would remain unimpressed. When pushed for a reaction he might allow, “She’s all right.” Pushed further Tom would say, “Look, she shits, she pisses, she’s like everybody else,” with a very down to earth Western Pennsylvania drawl.

Most of us don’t meet famous people every day and we think it’s kind of cool when we do. Even if the person we meet is of questionable celebrity, which would make it notoriety, we’re still impressed although I doubt many of us could explain why we think so.

Tim Russert met famous, even genuinely important people, every day and seemed to get a kick out of that but he still knew that they were full of the same kinds of dishonesties, great and small, that we, our best friends and our worst enemies are.

Vanity, insecurity, pomposity, disingenuousness, outright dishonesty are all there in those whom we believe important and I would guess they are present in roughly the same measure that they are in the rest of us. I believe Tim Russert could see this even when he was in the company of the powerful. Where the rest of us might tend to get drooly in the presence of the famous or powerful, or in some way try to suck up to them, Russert had the ability to remember that they are still just people.

I get the impression that Russert always remembered that no matter how important or famous someone may be he still had to take a shower, shave, comb his hair and get through life just like the rest of us. He was always respectful of the office the individual held but he didn’t let the importance of the office become the individual.

In my better moments I like to refer to political office holders as the hired help. I wish more of them could remember that in reality that’s what they are. They may be more important because they hold the office but the office is not more important because they hold it.

George Carlin knew all that. He knew the adulation that he received was misplaced when it was based on his celebrity although I think he probably enjoyed the fact that his celebrity gave entre to his ideas. And his ideas could change.

He was the first comedian to grow his hair long and wear an earring. Not a big deal now when bankers do that but at the time it was pretty radical. It was also interesting what he said when he stopped wearing the earring and didn’t get a tattoo. He said he no longer wanted to engage in self mutilation.

What made George Carlin interesting and worth admiring was not that he was famous because he grew his hair when people his age didn’t do that, or that he stopped wearing suits when performing and started wearing t-shirts. It wasn’t even that he said the seven words that you can’t say on broadcast radio and TV.
It was that he got some of us to think about why any words are so powerful that they can’t be used. George Carlin, like Lenny Bruce before him, had us thinking about Voldemort long before J.K. Rowling created him.

My favorite Carlin line that I heard today. “If you promise not to pray in my school I’ll promise not to think in your church.”

Response to a Take-Over Bid

Don't worry if you get one of those emails about the Queen threatening to revoke our independence. I'm on the ramparts protecting America!

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary)

What do you mean “recent”. Where were you during the administrations of Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, James Buchanan, Jimmy Carter, etc., etc., etc.??? You started us off with Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe but things got pretty weak after that with only occasional exceptions like Lincoln, two Roosevelts and…okay, it’s a pretty spotty record but have you reviewed your list of monarchs lately?

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

You may want to re-think that. If you leave Kansas independent it’s likely to try to take back the rest of the former USA, especially since they’ll still have their guns. Besides, it comes with Nebraska anyway.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Something else you may want to reconsider. Mediocre Governors in America led to the 232-year estrangement you’re trying to resolve.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

I’m not sure that the people who DO notice will necessarily be unhappy about this.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. You sure about this? ah-LOO-min-um is considerably easier on the working parts of the speech mechanism. The guy running the place now can’t say nuclear and that’s pretty simple.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). Restoring the letter “u” isn’t a good idea at a time when a large portion of America thinks that boys is spelled with a “z” as in “boyz in tha ‘hood.” You can spell doughnut any way you wish, but you’ll have an easier time taking away our guns than our doughnuts. Remember Charlton Heston’s line, “From my cold dead hand”? You’re better off waiting for us all to develop heart disease and diabetes from eating the doughnuts...it will also help you in dealing with Kansas.
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. Good luck with getting Microsoft on board for this, they’ve never been able to resolve the problem of properly checking for the proper usage of there, their and they’re. Call me when you get this one straightened out then we’ll talk about putting a “u” in color and changing the spelling of check to checque or whatever it is you people do.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You eliminate any Holiday from our calendar at your peril. Best leave this one alone. We don’t pay much attention to what we’re celebrating or honouring (you’ve already started, haven’t you?) but we’ll probably fight over the right to a three day weekend that usually involves a barbecue and large quantities of beer.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. Ummm, I’m not sure how much you want to push any of this. So far you’ve left Kansas (and probably Nebraska-remember they’re a set) armed and independent. Now you’re going to create an exodus of lawyers and therapists to a place with guns that has tornadoes, trailer parks and fundamentalist Christians. Man you people really don’t remember how to run an Empire do you??
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. I can see the bumper-stickers now, “When vegetable peelers are outlawed, only outlaws will have vegetable peelers!”
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. We have roundabouts in our state of Massachusetts where we call them rotaries. People there are as likely to be driving on the left as on the right. And by the way they do it with one hand on the steering wheel so the other hand is free to make obscene gestures at other drivers and pedestrians.
8. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. A country that exported Benny Hill has enough to account for as it is. You want the d-v-d set of the Blue Collar Comedy guys? I’m calling that even.
9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. You’d think with all you’ve derived from paying all that extra money on petrol you’d have figured out an alternative by now. I’m guessing you’re using part of the petroleum distillate to cook with which would explain those nasty things you call “chips’.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. Call them what you want those “chips” of yours are just plain nasty. Do you soak them in cholesterol or what? If you have to disguise the taste of something with freakin’ VVINEGAR your recipe sucks. Got it Ivor?
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Ummm, I’m not sure that we want to hold up South Africa as the ideal model for much of anything once you get beyond Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. Watching Andie MacDowell act is painful for all of us. And you don’t get to whine about Americans playing Englishmen as long as Hugh Laurie is carting all that money out of Hollywood for playing “House” on Fox-TV.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). If you do play Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. Y’all have been getting regularly thrashed since Queen Victoria died. Hell, you had to mobilize to beat Argentina fairly recently which ought to be pretty embarrassing. Oh, are we still talking about football/soccer/rugby? Sorry, I’ll wait.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. Stop baseball??? First off it IS played outside America, ask Red Sox stars Daisuke Matsuzaka and David Ortiz which state they were born in. While you’re at it, ask Jonathan Papelbon what PLANET he comes from. Okay you pinko, commit faggots that tears it. Where’s my gun, I’m headin’ to Kansas!!!
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. Not knowing has been driving us crazy. Okay, but you have to promise to keep the secret...it was Marilyn Monroe...with James Dean’s stolen Nazi Luger.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. You’ll take a checque??
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. I could probably adapt to this part.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

As I was driving home this week, each day I passed by one of those electronic signs that the police and other traffic control agencies usually put up before construction or road repairs begin. It’s a fairly big sign so you can’t miss it but since I have the retentive capabilities of a 1970s commodore computer it took a few days before it registered with me what was going on. It was a three page message and it seemed like I always came in on the second page.

“Week of 06-02-08.”
“Oh Christ,” I thought. “Gas is nearing 4 bucks a gallon and I’m going to be stuck waiting for some flag-person (I really do think ‘person’ by the way I can be kind of P-C) to wake up long enough to wave me through but only AFTER the line of cars is longer than Lee’s train of wounded on his retreat from Gettysburg.”
There’s an alternate, actually faster, route home but it’s a toll road and paying money twice a day to get to and from work somehow seems stupid. Paying to park never seems like a good idea either. I guess I do have a bit of a libertarian in me.

“Drive Safely.” The sign read.
“Fuck you.” I said.

Then the first page rolled around.

“Sobriety checkpoint”
“What? It’s not even two in the afternoon,” I thought. Then I decided that it would be a good time. You know, catch the people who get through the first half of the day as best they can, drink their lunch and pretty much stay tanked all afternoon.
“Yeah, get those bastards.” It’s pretty easy for me to be uncompromising about this particular police initiative since I don’t drink anymore.

And then I wondered, how many people are they going to catch since they’re telling people where they’re trying to catch them? How’s that going to work?

If you think along a little bit more the answer probably is it works like a charm. I mean really. Every bank and practically every store down to the little Mom and Pop Shops now have security cameras. They’re trained on the door. And a lot of times there’s even a tape on the door jamb that marks off 4’, 5 ‘, 6’, 7’ and so on. (I’ve often wanted to stand with my back straight against the doorway to see if I’ve grown at all lately. It’s a safe bet that I haven’t for close to 40 years and I am six-two…but the impulse is there.)
But if it’s a bank or a bigger operation they’ve got cameras all over the place. So does this inhibit people’s desire to get money the old fashioned way—by stealing it? Hell, no.

We see them on the local news every night. Often in clear, sharp, digital images. (Sometimes in pathetically grainy black and white. Hey if you want a decent picture of these people clean the heads on your state-of-the-art 1979 security system there Mr. Entrepreneur!)
There they are. Wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap pulled low. (Yeah, nobody will recognize you with that disguise will they? How about a Groucho moustache then they REALLY won’t be able to figure out who you are!) And these people think they’re going to be able to get away with this. Instead more people can identify them than can name their Congressperson (P-C again!) or the Governor.
So, yeah. I bet the system works on a lot of people. But for the rest of us here’s the way the text reads in our heads.

“Sobriety checkpoint”
“Week of 06-02-08”
“Seek alternate routes”

Just a Theory

Viagra jokes are easy. And when you’re in your upper middle age there’s an element of whistling past the graveyard when you repeat them or come up with your own.

If your friends are also in the middle-age or better category there’s a fairly good risk of you pissing them off because you cut too close to the bone (okay that was a bad choice of words) or you run the risk of getting more information about your friend than you ever, ever, ever wanted.

But we are nothing here if not intrepid and we already said the jokes are easy so let me ask you this. If you hadn’t been able to get the soldier to stand at attention for a looonnnggg time would you call the doctor because of an erection that lasted 4 hours? Damn right you wouldn’t. You’d be saying things like, “Honey, I can’t find a hanger so I’ll just hang your coat here until you can get the closet organized.”

By the way, the commercial with the couple playfully getting in the mood, until they’re delayed by a suddenly spraying water faucet is a subtle touch isn’t it? Yeah, plumbing problems being solved. Nice analogy. I get it. Actually I think that’s a Cialis commercial, they’re the ones who make a big deal that you’ve got up to 36 hours to…wait, I guess. One of those spots has a daughter unexpectedly returning from school (presumably college) just as there’s progress being made. Have you ever heard of anyone’s college age daughter:

A)-returning home unexpectedly?

Or B)-being around the house for more than 5 minutes whether the return was expected or not.

Me either.

There’s another one of these ads where the couple in question seems to be at a cocktail party. Maybe they’re hosting the party, it’s not clear but who would take a pill like that and then go to a party? And don’t they warn against taking them with alcohol? But neither of those is my real concern for this one. What I’m worried about is the woman. She looks like she’s about ready to do the guy on the coffee table, the floor, the kitchen counter, with people watching…you name it. I think she’s really COUNTING on it lasting for four hours or maybe she took the pill herself.

And how many times have you seen the commercials where the man and the woman are each sitting in their own bathtub, outdoors, apparently staring at the sunset? Ever wondered what that was about?

I think I finally came up (I keep doing that!) with the answer. Ice. Yes, ice. They’ve got so excited, so active, that they overindulged and now they really need to cool down. Well that’s my theory anyway.