Positioning Statement

Here’s another technological marvel I haven’t had occasion to use yet, the global positioning device. The first reason is, as a friend of mine says, “as soon as I go out my door I consider myself to be on enemy territory.” Another reason is I almost never go anywhere that I haven’t been before.

But the GPS devices are out there and I have friends who think they’re pretty nifty. There’s one called “TomTom,” there’s one called “Garmin,” another called “Magellan,” and still another one called “Hummingbird.” I would think what you call a product like this could make a huge difference in its initial success.

So “Garmin” just mystifies me. What connection am I supposed to make? I think of Leonard Garment, who was a Special Counsel to President Nixon during the Watergate mess. Okay, most people probably wouldn’t make that connection but I don’t think of finding my way anywhere, except out of the White House, when I hear Garmin.

“Hummingbird?” Don’t they go by sense of smell or something? That may have worked to get to Gloucester, Massachusetts when there was a fishing industry, or to Berlin, New Hampshire when there was a paper mill running, but I can’t see it being much good now.

“TomTom?” I’d want to know who was going to be on the receiving end of my beats. I’m not sure my wife would let me keep drums in the passenger seat in the event we get lost, which I guarantee I would do if I missed a beat.

“Magellan” sounds promising but I wonder how many people realize that Ol’ Ferdinand never actually made it around the world. Wikipedia says that of 237 men who started out on the first trip around the world only 18 completed the trip and returned to Spain. There were about that many others who straggled back later one way or another later, but that’s not how I want our family trip to work out. Magellan himself was killed in the Philippines. No, that’s definitely not how I want my trip to The Cape to go at all.

I know there’s a whole industry out there devoted to “branding” so I would think they could come up with the name of an explorer who was able to finish the trip. Doesn’t that seem like a better idea?

Here’s one badly branded travel item, Amelia Earhart Luggage. It was an endorsement deal when Amelia was alive but once she disappeared somewhere over the Pacific in 1937 wouldn’t you think the market would have disappeared too? They were still selling Amelia Earhart Luggage in 1964. What was the slogan, “Amelia Earhart Luggage, when it gets lost it stays lost”?

Since this is America, and we always like to encourage entrepreneurship, here’s a couple of services that could become enormously successful in the hands of the right capitalist.

Lindbergh Baby and Child Care. Let’s face it, as Americans we have no historical memory so when people hear “Lindbergh Baby” they’re not going to recognize that there could be a problem, it will just be a vaguely familiar phrase that we can capitalize on. But between you and me, don’t hire a guy with a German accent named Bruno. I’m just funny that way.

Wiley Post Alaska Tours. Wiley Post was the first pilot to fly solo around the world. In these days when we have whack jobs attempting to cross the Atlantic in rowboats, on surfboards and using grandma’s china cabinet as a flotation device, what he did may sound like just another bit of flat out silly adventuring but back in the 30s, when he did it, it was a big deal. He’s mostly remembered now, if he’s remembered at all, for being the pilot of the plane that crashed and killed Will Rogers. Like I said, if he’s remembered at all. In any event, I am one columnist who will never be a customer.

On those rare occasions that I do find it necessary to leave the house, I’m pretty happy with the on-line resources like MapQuest, Google Maps, and whatever else. I like to be able to hold the directions in my hand, go over them a couple of times before I leave and I like to be able to look at them in groups of two or three rather than one at a time. It seems I’m always going someplace where the directions involve a sequence of, “travel .1 miles and bear left onto Whatsit Street.

Follow Whatsit Street for 2.2 miles.

Right onto Wherezit Road for .9 miles.

Right onto Imlost Avenue and drive for 10 miles before you admit you screwed up somewhere.

Of course this is New England so if there are road signs they’re hidden by a tree.