Vince, Billy and Ty

You’ve probably never heard the name Vincent Schlomi but you know him. That’s the name I found for him on Wikipedia. You would more than likely recognize recognize him if you had to pick him out of a line-up though, which wouldn’t surprise me at all because he looks like one of the villains from a Dick Tracy strip.

He’s Vince, the ShamWow/Slap-Chop guy, and he’s the most recent incarnation of a kind of pitch-man that’s probably as old as the game of pitching crap to an unwary public. He’s the East Coast counterpart to the Mid-America Billy Mays. Not that I mind either of them that much, I rarely hear them, because of the mute button on my TV’s remote control. But they are there, probably every day and they’re a reminder of a larger problem in our society, volume as a stand-in for enthusiasm.

My first memory of this type of person goes back to the days of Louise Morgan on Channel 7, a women's show that featured the cartoon “Crusader Rabbit,” which drew me to the TV like a college kid to a keg party. Since the show was primarily aimed at “home makers,” that may be where I saw my first pitch man. The salad master cookware guy who seemed to talk loud, very fast and at great length about waterless cookware. The advantage of which totally escaped me (still does for that matter) but I liked that he banged the pots and pans together to show…what? I have no idea.

The loud and fast approach has always been popular with some advertisers. I assume, with my usual native optimism, because it works. Whether it works or not it has lately spread over into the programming and that’s when it gets really annoying. “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” is a case in point. Let’s leave aside the premise of the show, to spotlight the life of one family that for one reason or another is having a pretty rough time. It’s an update of the old “Queen for a Day” program that first aired on radio in the mid 1940s. I also won’t bother to go into the number of “Extreme Makeover” houses that have gone through or are on the verge of foreclosure. Nope, I want to talk about Ty Pennington.

Ty, take your meds. You’re just way too upbeat, too loud and way too hyperactive. And Ty, you’re 44 years old, you’re getting to the point where the 90s-hip, spiky-haired, t-shirt look is just …well … scary. There comes a time in all our lives when we have to accept that we are no longer 23. Ty, that day has come for you. You’re also making the other people on the show look ridiculous as they try (unsuccessfully) to feign the kind of over the top enthusiasm that you are boiling over with probably because your Ritalin prescription has gone unfilled.

Ty. Focus. Chill out. Stop shouting. Stop trying to be the fastest guy walking on a 2 by 4. There’s no prize for that Ty. Although if you can settle down, just a little, I’ll talk to Vince and see if I can get you a free Slap-Chop as a reward.