Recession and weight loss solved!

It’s time once again for us to take a jaundiced look at the weekend news coverage in our little corner of New England. Local broadcast news on the weekends tends to be an especially disaster and crime driven endeavor.

Politicians mostly keep their mouths shut on Friday afternoon because if they say anything stupid it will be on the news, in the papers and in the blogosphere for at least two days before anyone can catch up with it on the Sunday morning talk shows. One of the first rules of politics is, or should be, don’t screw up on a slow news day.

So with that being the case the next staple of news, disasters, tend to get more play on weekend. That mudslide in the Italian Alps might not make the content cut on Wednesday when Congressman Slapjaw (R-Mississippi) is busy telling us why we should let AIG go belly up, while righteously ignoring that it will take the economies of half of the world with it. But on Saturday the Italian mudslide definitely runs, even though it sounds more like a cocktail than a news item. Disasters, though, are unreliable things. You can’t book them and have your staff prepped in advance.

Crime stories, however, are pretty reliable fodder for content because, lets face it, the people pulling crimes aren’t doing it while they wait to move up on the depth chart in the admissions department at M.I.T. No, they’re doing it either because it’s their best shot this side of a class action lawsuit to make a lot of money or because they think it’s their best opportunity just to make a living.

Here’s my favorite example from this past weekend as described by local media. A 23 year old Bronx, New York, man allegedly drove his BMW with New York license plates out of the I-95 toll booth in Hampton, New Hampshire at 80 miles per hour. State Police stopped the man and found he was driving on a suspended license.

That’s bad.

Police also found that he had a small amount of what they believe is marijuana. That’s not good either.

And seven ounces of what they believe is cocaine. That’s worse, isn’t it.

Maybe I was just raised too conservatively to be any fun or have any real vision. I don’t see the wisdom of driving around with cocaine and marijuana when my license has been suspended. But let’s be generous. These are hard times.

Let’s say that economic circumstances dictated that this young man had to take the risk associated with this activity because he has a child, certainly no more than a toddler, who needs a treatment for a medical condition. These days if that amounts to anything more than a loose tooth we’re talking a substantial amount of money. Well then you might think that this transaction would be lucrative enough to make the risk marginally acceptable. Of course that doesn’t account for the Beamer he’s driving but we’ll overlook that.

Doing 80 exiting the toll booth? Here’s where I have trouble making a case for the defendant. This is where we get to another line from “The Friends of Eddie Coyle”. The appropriate line here is “This life is hard, man, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”

But one man’s folly can be another man’s opportunity. And from this I have created an idea that can lift you out of financial hardship and help you lose weight at the same time. Ready?

Become a drug mule for a Mexican drug lord! You’ll be visiting glamorous places in some of North Americas busiest cities, meeting exciting people and making money, and lots of it, at the same time! And if taking off that extra 20 pounds is going to make you feel better about yourself remember this: you won’t have much of an appetite after you’ve swallowed 30 condoms stuffed with cocaine. It’s a money making, weight loss system that can’t miss. All you need is the wisdom to recognize an opportunity when it’s presented to you.

Now I just have to figure out how I make money on the deal. Watch for my infomercial though, I’ll have it up and running as soon as I can iron out that little wrinkle.