My Stalker Is Back

This may come as something of a shock to you but I have a stalker. I’ve been stalked for over 10 years now. I’ve never bothered to alert the police because the stalker didn’t actually strike me as dangerous until recently. Now I think they’ve got to be stopped but I doubt the police could help. My stalker is the American Association of Retired Persons.

The AARP only shows up in my mail box a few times a year but I find them extremely annoying. First because they reminded me that I was about to turn 50. Knowing that was bad enough, having some stranger remind me of it was a bit much. When they kept reminding me of being over 50 it got really annoying. They used to send me a magazine showing all the cool things people my age (and older) are doing. I know I’m a baby boomer and there’s nothing I could do to change that even if I wanted to and I don’t want to anyway. The other thing I don’t particularly want to do is identify with boomers. As far as I’m concerned baby boomers are the greatest generation’s one big screw up. But we’ll save that for another time.

Okay, so what’s my problem with AARP? They’re irresponsible. Yep they do some good things, no doubt. They get us old farts discounts on all sorts of things from drugs (when you’re old enough for AARP they’re referred to as “medication”) to vacations, from insurance to safe driver courses. But. But they insist on “…encouraging policy makers and leaders to strengthen Social Security…” and what that means to them is just plain wrong. And it’s got to stop.

Social Security needs to change. Not in the Bush Administration’s ideal of all of us plowing our money into Wall Street so we could start low on the endless upward spiral and get off when we stop working and live like Scrooge McDuck for the rest of our lives. Bags full of money all over the house that we’ve astutely horded throughout our working years that we now have available for our every whim. How’s that working out for you after the last few months?

Social Security needs to change because it was never a savings or investment plan. It was a social contract between people under retirement age to take care of people, at a minimal level, who are over retirement age. The age was set at 65. According to “info please” if you were born in 1935, the year Social Security was created, your life expectancy was 61. If you were born in 2004 it’s 78. That’s a problem right there, isn’t it? They didn’t really figure on paying out for more than a couple of years when this started. There were plenty of people paying in for the number of people who were being paid. The payouts were eventually tied to inflation but they’ve never done anything to adjust the age at which we can collect. Well that’s great for us but it’s a killer for our kids and it’ll be worse for their kids and their kids.

Unless the kids just say screw you Grandpa you mucked it up and I’m not covering your ass when you couldn’t be bothered to do the obvious.

Look I’d love to be able to collect at 66 or 67 or 68 with full benefits but it just doesn’t make sense. What does? Damned if I know the details but the basic facts seem pretty obvious. We’ve got to raise the age to something around 80 if we’re going to have a chance at making it work. What we’re going to do with all those geezers continuing in the labor force gumming up the works like the plaque in their arteries I can’t say but we can’t have them sitting around in Boca checking to see if the direct deposit on the Social Security came through while they’re waiting for the shuffleboard tournament to start.

And we’ve got to means test it. Warren Buffett collecting Social Security is insane. I don’t know that he does collect but if he paid in, he can take out and that’s just crazy. Somebody smarter than I am can decide what numbers make sense but it’s nonsense that because Alex Rodriguez paid Social Security taxes that he should collect when he’s 65. It’s not a savings program. It never was. It’s a social contract. I helped take care of the Grandmas to my generation so my grandchildren’s generation would help out when us boomers break the tape at retirement age.

When you hear someone say what a difficult problem Social Security is becoming what they’re really saying is they don’t have the guts to do the obvious. Raise the age of eligibility, and means test it. Until the AARP is willing to support that, to me they’re just stalkers.

The High Cost of Mediocrity

Back in the days when free agency was new to baseball and Bill Veeck owned the Chicago White Sox Veeck once commented that it wasn’t the salaries that were being paid to the stars that made operating a ball team expensive it was the high cost of mediocrity.

Veeck believed the big name players, the ones at the top of the salary scale, pay for themselves. Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and a few others are the guys who actually bring people into the ballpark. Whether they are actually worth the amount that they’re getting may be another matter but that’s between the ballclubs and their accountants. What inflates the cost to the ballclub is having to pay the utility infielders, fourth outfielders and LOOGys (Lefty One Out Guys) a lot of money to be, largely, interchangeable parts. That’s been going on, spiraling upward, for over 30 years. Until this winter.

Suddenly even the stars are having trouble getting the big bucks and there’s a lot of other good ballplayers, the interchangeable parts, signing for a lot less money. If they’re getting signed at all. Baseball is seeing a huge market correction. Andy Pettitte turned down $10-million a few months ago then signed for $5-million. I’m sure Andy and his family will get by on $5-million if they eat more casseroles, shop carefully, clip coupons and do the rest of the things some of us must do to get by in these difficult times.

The market correction appears to have begun in baseball just as it has on Wall Street but, and this is pretty astounding, baseball would appear to be getting the message well ahead of the financial folks. Manny Ramirez, arguably the best hitter in the Major Leagues today, opted out of a deal that would have brought him about $20-million this year in hopes of getting $25-million or so for several years. It’s getting close to spring training but so far there are no takers.
Meanwhile from Wall Street we keep hearing of bonuses being paid to people who helped the institutions they work for do a thorough job of screwing up their own companies, America’s economy and the world’s economy. The argument in favor of the bonuses for screwing up everything this side of gravity is that they’re the best people in the business and if they don’t get the big bucks and the big bonuses they’ll go to a competitor.

Well, let’s see. These wizards did such a great job that you had to borrow money, my money, to keep your financial institution afloat. Your competitor is at least as bad off as you are. And by the way you’d like some more of my money when I can get it to you just to keep you functioning.
Look, I can lose money hand over fist for half of what you’re paying the imbeciles you have now and I won’t even ask you for a $1.1 million makeover of my office.

I’m no financial genius but just off the top of my head I would think that if my guy does such a whiz bang job that my company is bleeding red ink from every pore like it has the Ebola virus, and the guy who led my company into this situation is spending money like a drunken sailor in a whore house, I don’t believe I’d be too upset if he got stolen by the people across the street.
I might even help. “John Thain is so valuable to us,” I might say over dinner with J. P. Citicorp-BancoGroup, “I don’t know what we’d do if you guys ever got a guy like that. You know J.P. we’d really be screwed.” Then I would accidentally leave a cocktail napkin on the table while I went to the men’s room.

On that napkin I would leave John’s home address, land-line and cell phone numbers, email address(es), the name of his wife, her favorite perfume, the names of their children and all of their birthdays. Of course I’d be prepared to bemoan John’s loss when the J.P somehow managed to steal this most valued and valuable player in our company. I would wonder aloud for the Wall Street Journal’s benefit whether our institution would be able to muddle through without him.

Then I would quietly recruit some reasonably sharp business school graduate, make sure he or she met our minimal moral standards (about on a par with a feral cat), give him or her a reasonable salary and tell the ingénue, “If we all make money you’ll make more. If we all lose money you’ll be looking for work. This isn’t kindergarten. Not everybody gets a trophy. We’ll pay real money for real results. We won’t pay for mediocrity”

Shovel Ready

I’m writing this on a Tuesday and on Wednesday it’s supposed to snow. Quite a bit as a matter of fact. Some say as much as a foot of new snow from this storm. This is a major inconvenience to many and most especially to me but you know what it isn’t? It isn’t news. This is New Hampshire. It’s January. It snows. I don’t much like it but I’m used to it. It doesn’t surprise me. It’s not really out of the ordinary. But it’s been the top story on the local T-V station’s newscasts since Sunday.
Now I understand that we all want to know when it’s going to snow and how much. That’s why there’s a weather segment in the 30 minutes of alleged news that we get here.
Once the snow comes intrepid reporters will be on the air live from several points around the state showing us where it’s snowing while telling us that state officials say we should stay off the road unless it’s absolutely necessary to travel.
So, essential travel includes talking hairdos criss-crossing the state to give us graphic proof that it is indeed snowing not just in our town but in cities and towns all over the state! Lately these people have taken to demonstrating to us what the snow looks like by throwing some at the camera when they’re giving us their (praise be to Jesus!!) LIVE REPORT on the conditions created by the snowfall. The only thing funnier is when they go for a (praise be to Jesus!!) LIVE REPORT on the conditions from the station parking lot. That’s modern broadcast technology at it’s most impressive.
I guess with the economy in the dumper and people in constant migration to new places to try to find work we could have a whole new crop of, say, Mississippians among us who’ve never seen snow before and have absolutely no idea what it is and how it affects things like driving and walking. If you’re one of those people from Mississippi whoever is reading this to you needs to stop now and tell you that it gets slippery outside when it snows. Same thing if it sleets. Even more so for freezing rain. Once you get that into your mind you’ll be fine.
The rest of us know it snows here. It has every winter that we’ve been on the planet and even with global warming it probably will for the rest of our lives. But it does make for good pictures and TV is all about that.
Then there’s the live shot from, well anywhere, that serves no point but to keep cameramen employed and reporters on the street. So let’s say the state legislature passed a major new law today. Tonight at 11 we’ll go (praise be to Jesus!!) LIVE to the State House for a report! Okay, but is there anybody AT the State House at 11 o’clock? Of course not. The legislators, the governor, the attorney general, the janitor and everybody else but the night watchman went home hours ago. But we get a (praise be to Jesus!!) LIVE REPORT because…ummm…because they can. And because “live at the State House” just sounds so friggin’ cool!
I’m all for full employment of cameramen, reporters and announcers (especially radio announcers) and I’m hoping there will be something along those lines in the stimulus package from the Obama administration. I know the programs that get funding have to be shovel ready but let me assure the voters and taxpayers of this great land of ours there is not a special interest group in America that is more shovel ready than those of us in the communications industry.
If we can do live reports from the front steps of empty office buildings and make people think that we’re doing something relevant then we are about as shovel ready as you can get.
Speaking of shovels, you better get yours ready. I hear it’s going to snow. In New Hampshire. In January. Good thing I watch the news, huh?

News, what news?

I’ve been doing it since the days of Huntley/Brinkley and Walter Cronkite. Hell, I used to sit next to my Dad and watch John Cameron Swayze do the Camel News Caravan and Douglas Edwards read the news on CBS. My point is I’ve been watching TV news pretty much from the beginning. And maybe I’m just stepping into the cranky part of my dotage but it’s getting harder and harder to do. Watch the news I mean.

First of all if it’s a Saturday or a Sunday you have to FIND the news. If there’s a football game, basketball game, golf tournament, tennis tournament or just about anything else that requires a jock strap (that leaves out soccer, unless we want to include tampons) the networks will often as not either delay or pre-empt the news on the weekend. When they do bother to broadcast it at all it’s usually pretty thin stuff. And it’s becoming more style than substance by the minute. Take last Saturday for example.

On ABC I found the news being anchored by one David Muir. He may be a competent journalist but I’m not sure I could prove that easily. And there’s the problem of his looks. He looks like he just climbed down off a wedding cake. A 1959 wedding cake. That Brylcreem look is one I find somewhat disturbing. Kind of like the Eagle Scout who took an axe to his grandmother.

So I tried CBS. Over there was a young man named Jeff Glor. From the bio on his website we can insinuate that he is about 30. Trouble is he looks like, even though it’s only 6:30, he should call his mother RIGHT NOW so she knows where he is and won’t worry about him not being home for supper on time.

Now I don’t necessarily have to get the news from somebody who looks like he (or she) went to school with Zeus but do they all have to look like they just showered and blow-dried their hair after cheerleading practice? It’s not that I think they should all look like Quasimodo or even Benicio Del Toro but is having finished no lower than first runner up at the pageant necessary for good journalism?

So I settled on Lester Holt over at NBC. Now Lester at least looks like he’s been around the block a few times…it’s an open question whether he had to stop and ask for directions but they’re all starting to strike me that way. I’m getting information from people who literally don’t have sense to come in from the rain…in a HURRICANE!

Anyway I settled down with NBC, the network whose legacy includes Chet Huntley and David Brinkley, John Chancellor and Tom Brokaw. And a few minutes into the “news” they start in telling us about Air Force One. Not the movie, that was a whole different kind of stupid. The President’s plane.

There was no new information about the plane that you probably couldn’t have found on Wikipedia if you were interested enough to look. So the point of the alleged “story” was really to let us know about a program that would be on the National Geographic Channel the following night. These are called “promos” in the broadcasting business and there’s too many of them in the news as it is but when the promos pretend to be news content that frosts me.

On the weeknights I had to give up watching NBC Nightly News because of Jay Leno. Remember when NBC announced that Leno would be appearing on prime time 5 nights a week when he moves on from the Tonight Show? Well that was worth about 5 minutes of conversation during the Nightly News between Jay and Brian Williams. I don’t know what that was but it wasn’t news. And ever since then I haven’t felt the same way about Brian. He seems like a funny, fun guy (he used to show up on Imus in the Morning and he was very funny there) but at the anchor desk he’s just too earnest. Like somebody who wants to be my friend so much he makes me nervous. Come on, I’m not that cool. Truth be told I never was cool at all. If I were a girl he’d be the boyfriend I dumped who just never went away. He’d keep showing up to wash my car and make like Eddie Haskell with my mother.

Then there’s Charlie Gibson. Does smarmy sound about right to you? Yeah, me too. Like a greasy uncle. Probably sells used cars, BMWs but used BMWs. “Excuse me,” he’d insist, “we call them ‘pre-owned.’” Oh, so nobody who owned it before actually used it? What’s the matter, wouldn’t it start?

And now we come around to the CBS Evening News. Which, in terms on content, may just be the best of the three but I just can’t watch it. I never liked Katie Couric when she was with the Today show over at NBC. She was cute and perky I guess but I’m not big on cute and perky. I guess I like old and a little grumpy.

Luckily, it turns out I’m available.

Understand the meltdown? Me neither.

Okay, I’ve been trying to figure out what the Hell is going on with the economy.
This is not an easy task for me to get my head around because I’ve never been much interested in it and I have the net worth to prove it.
But here’s a bit of irony for you. It turns out that a lot of people, smart people, people who are interested in that stuff don’t have much higher net worth than I do.

It turns out that my “investments” in books, compact discs (written out so as not to be confused with the other kind of CD’s), DVD’s and baseball cards (ones that don’t even have pictures) have put me on the same rung of the economic ladder as people who invested in the other kind of CD’s, banks, insurance companies, mutual funds, hedge funds and stocks.
So what have we learned? Not much.

While I’ve still got my music, movies, books and toys we’re both pretty much screwed at this point.
There’s no money, jobs are disappearing in wholesale lots and Bernie Madoff’s been taking money out of the blind man’s cup while stealing his pencils.

Most of us have been willing partners in this to some extent or another.
I’ve never been one to look under the hood of the car to see how the whole thing works.
I know where to put the gasoline in, where the key goes to start the thing and as long as it gets me where I want to go and the radio/cd player works I don’t much care about any of the other details.
Would it be better for all concerned if I knew how the damn thing worked?
Maybe…but I trust the marketplace to limit the number of lemons available to me and let it go at that.

I think most of us are that way about our investments too.
We don’t really care how they make money for us we’re just happy that our little nest egg gets bigger each year so that we can eventually have that dream retirement at age (fill in the blank here_____) and coast through our golden years.

For some the first step on that ladder is a house. Owning your own house in America is pretty basic. As a matter of fact we rarely refer to it as owning a house.
We call it “owning your own home.” That’s a significant difference, right there.
Because if you own a house it’s just a building, but if you own your own home you’ve done something for your family and become a part of a community.
If you rent you’re a transient and some sort of different, lower class, not quite there yet, kind of person. We rent.

Over the last 15 years I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard some variation of, “you know for what you’re paying in rent you could buy a house.”
Well yeah, I probably could have bought a house but I also knew that it was unlikely that I’d be able to pay a mortgage, do the upkeep, pay the taxes and learn all the do-it-yourself skills that you need to have to own a house.
In short I wouldn’t be dumb enough to do business with anyone dumb enough to give me a mortgage.

Turns out the people handing out mortgages to people like me-who thought they needed to own a house to have a home-weren’t as dumb as I thought.
They were too smart by half.

They didn’t care who got a mortgage because they weren’t going to be the ones collecting the payments.
They’d just bundle up a bunch of them and sell them off to someone else to collect on.
Then the next level did the same.
And another level.
And another level.

So these geniuses built a house of cards and now they’re all shocked (shocked!!!) that it’s collapsed.
They lied to themselves, to each other and to everyone else about what they were doing and apparently convinced all concerned that it was going to be fine.

The sad thing is they’re still doing it.
They’re taking tax-payer money to bail themselves out but they’re still convinced they are geniuses who have such great ways of making money that they don’t have to explain to any one how they do it.
Oh, and yes, they really are worth their multi-million dollar salaries and although they’ve driven their own companies, their own countries economies and the world economy a cliff they still deserve huge bonuses because...well don’t worry about that you wouldn’t understand it anyway.

And they’re right. I probably wouldn’t understand it.

There's a whole breed of people I don't understand. I once worked for a guy who was, as near as I could tell, incapable of telling the truth.
We still refer to him with the description that, “Chris would lie about what he had for breakfast.” It was that basic with the guy.
There’s no reason to lie about it but it was the only way he could say anything. He HAD to lie, or not speak at all.
Now that I’ve learned to spot them I try to avoid people like that. I just don’t understand how they live that way.

I’m not one of them but I bet there are people out there who do understand how to make money and who can tell the difference between something that’s a real investment and something that’s the same kind of bullshit we’ve been getting from Wall Street over the last 20 or 30 years. I’m sure there’s money to be made by lending people money and doing the other things that people in the world of finance do.
But I’ll still feel better about an economy that produces something-goods, services, ideas-and makes it’s money by doing that than I do about an economy that makes it’s money by reaching into the next guy’s pocket.

3:56:13

No, it’s not a citation of a chapter from the Bible. I’d be about the last one to come up with one of those. I was just checking on Amazon dot com to see if one of my favorite movies, “The Friends of Eddie Coyle”, is available on dvd yet. It isn’t.

Down at the bottom of the Amazon page was a fairly large display of 3:56:13 that caught my attention. It then changed to 3:56:14, then 3:56:15 and I realized it was just a clock and then I noticed that it was an advertisement. It reads, “It’s (time) Do you know where your career is?” turns out it’s an ad for Monster dot com. And, as it happens, I’m pretty much sans career right now. Not for want of trying.

I’ve spent the last few weeks in a Barnes and Noble Café trying to learn the barista trade. The enterprise can best be described as ill fated. For one thing, until I started working there I not only did not know the difference between tall, Grande and Venti I didn’t WANT to know the difference. As I once told a friend, “I’m not going to learn jargon to buy a cup of coffee.”

Which points up a second problem. I drink coffee black. I don’t add anything to it. I don’t want it to taste like vanilla or chocolate or hazelnuts or anyone else’s nuts. I don’t want cream or milk or non-fat milk or soy milk. I don’t care if it’s 160 degrees or 140 degrees or 130 degrees so long as it’s hot and if it’s not hot enough…I’ll probably just chug it and either go back for a fresh cup or go without for a while. I could go on about the whole latte situation but you’ve probably already gotten my point.

Now from a marketing standpoint the Café is just brilliant. I love to get a cup of coffee and sit and chat with my wife before we separate and head to our favorite sections of the book store coffee and tea in hand respectively. Although the Mrs. would prefer if they’d just offer plain black tea along with all the herbal nonsense but that just proves we’re well matched, doesn’t it? Anyway, marketing = brilliant. Employment = stupendously dumb.

First off Barnes and Noble treats their employees abominably. Booksellers are considered interchangeable parts and treated as such. The corporate approach is, “I’m sorry you’re not happy here. NEXT!!” That said, many of the management types, at least the lower and middle ones that I had contact with, are good people and treat their colleagues well.

But we’re getting off the main topic here which is, as always, me. Because I’m underemployed I figured I’d take a shot at the café when I heard there was an opening that could lead to full time with benefits. If you’ve paid for your own health insurance lately you know how willing one can be to put up with a fair amount of crap for those two magic words with benefits. So they tried to teach me to make lattes and frappuchinos and various other concoctions.

Ever heard the saying, “Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig?” That sums up my experience trying to figure out how to construct those drinks. A couple of shifts doing that and I was asking, “what else can I do around here because this is a disaster.”
So they put me on the cash register.

How hard can that be? It’s touch screen. You find the appropriate grouping: coffee, espresso, sweet street, sandwiches, hot tea, frappuchinos, etc. Then you find the appropriate item, put your finger on the touch screen and you’ve got the first item in their order. So there’s a dozen or so groupings. There’s a learning curve but so what, right? Bet you wouldn’t guess that there’s more than 80 friggin’ frappuchinos options would you? And that’s before you get into the whole sugar free-hold the ice-add protein powder set of possibilities.

Okay so somebody just wants a cup of coffee (you understand that “tall” means small and if you want a large that’s a “Venti”) and a brownie. The screens are set up alphabetically…sort of. Because when you look for “brownie” it’s not under “B” (although cheese cake is). “Brownie” is under “U.” Because it’s not just a “brownie” it’s an “Ultimate Fudge Brownie!” Well, that’s not too bad because a lot of people eat brownies and after a while you just remember that brownie is under “U.” So why is cheesecake under “B?” Because it comes from Boston Cheesecake Factory so it’s listed as “BC Key Lime,” “BC Original,” “BC Pumpkin Spice,” or “BC You’re not going to find what this person wants in less than 20 minutes.”

Now, the only reason I prepare food at home is that I have to eat something, not because I’m interested in culinary art. I’m a meat and potatoes guy. So when somebody for whom I had made a mocha-java something or other handed it back to me complaining that it didn’t taste like chocolate what I wanted to say was, “if you want something that tastes like chocolate how about you buy a friggin’ candy bar?!”

When people complain that their coffee tastes too much like coffee it’s time for me to go.

Not what they’re looking for

The other day I got a call from someone representing a Republican Senator from New Hampshire seeking my support in the Senator’s re-election campaign. Thanks to the blessed miracle of caller I-D I just stared at the answering machine while the nice man left a message. The election season is gearing up once again and even though we’re on the “no call list” politicians and pollsters can still have a field day with us because the list doesn’t apply to them.
But thanks to the blessed miracle of caller I-D we still don’t have to take their calls.
One of the advantages to living in the first in the nation primary state is that we get to have early input in the electoral process.
That’s the obverse side of the coin. The reverse side is a phone ringing 6 to 10 times each evening with somebody or other wanting to know if we’ve decided who to vote for and, if they’re a pollster, about 20-minutes of demographic information about our household.

Sometimes these calls are from a candidate or a particular party. You can spot them when they ask you carefully worded neutral questions like, “Do you support a strong, market-driven capitalist economy protected by the best trained, best equipped military on the planet or do you support those baby killing, tree hugging, pinko-commie-faggot-rat-bastards who are destroying the real America?” I usually hang up on them. Mostly though I save myself from any such travail because of the blessed miracle of caller I-D.

But now I’m toying with the idea of answering the next time the good senator’s supporters call. I would offer my support for his re-election on one condition. If the Senator will vote for a bill that would require that on January 21st, 2009 George W. Bush and Dick Cheney would be arrested and turned over to the Hague for trial on war crimes charges, I’ll vote for the guy.
My wife notes that since I’ve applied for a low level job with a local police agency, the F.B.I. investigation that would follow my requirement for my vote would probably hurt my chances of getting the job.
So I’m thinking I may go with a chicken-shit way out and try this approach.
If you can get the Senator to stop spouting nonsense about off-shore drilling as though it would do anything about the price of gasoline I might be willing to vote for him.

Somehow I still don’t think that’s what they’re looking for.